The Cavs, football picks, and why I'm Rocky getting his ass kicked by Apollo Creed

The Cleveland Cavaliers are back in the news again.  It's oddly the first thing that has happened to the Cavs since they played in the 2018 NBA Finals and nothing has happened since then and nothing you can say will change my mind.

Kyrie Irving called LeBron (like really, do I need to include his last name for you to know who I'm talking about?  LeBron... Smith?) and apologized.  Since the Cavs apparently don't play basketball anymore, I'm gonna talk at nauseam about it.

The first thing I honestly thought about were all the people on Cavs Twitter that are always, "It'S tIme TO mOvE oN, LeBroN DoEsn'T plAY HeRE anYmoRe."  Oh for fuck sake.  The Cleveland Cavaliers, the team that used to wear THESE JERSEYS

made the NBA Finals FOUR CONSECUTIVE YEARS. They just had a team with 3 future Hall of Famers, with arguably the best player of all-time and inarguably the best player of the generation.  So yeah, the city is gonna dwell on that for some time.  Sorry, I just get sick of people that attack writers, like Jason Lloyd of The Athletic, for posting about the title Cavs team or LeBron's Lakers, saying, "Write about the Cavs! They had a game tonight, or do you not pay attention?"  The Cavs primary function in the 2018-2019 season is to lose.  They need to lose often, and for a long time.  Who gives a fuck about Jordan Clarkson (who remains dead to me) putting up 20 on a Tuesday night against the Nets?  

Ok, now that my rant is over, I can dissect the Kyrie/LeBron drama.  If you think this shows Kyrie has matured, or has somehow had an awakening, you're not paying attention.  The comments were a way of throwing his teammates under the bus (the ones that were one game from the NBA Finals without him, by the way), not as some way to assert that he has finally understood the LeBron mentorship after all these years (OK it's just been 2 years, but for Cavs fans, they've been dog years).  

Kyrie is still the same "The Earth is flat and we're all just matters of energy occupying space," dude that he was when he left.  The fact that he even had to mention this to the media shows it.  Don't buy into the "New Kyrie."  Drama will always follow him wherever he goes.  And yeah, I'd still take him back in a second.  That's the way the NBA works.  

It's amazing about the NBA... here we are, in the midst of an MLB off-season which features 2 of the top 10 players in the sport being free agents, and nobody gives a fuck.  It's 2 years later and we're STILL talking about the 2017 NBA off-season.  

AFC AND NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES 

Rams/Saints and Patriots/Chiefs feels like the NBA conference finals, where you know all year who the best 4 teams are, it's just a matter of time until they all match up.  At least every team has a chance in these games.  

My gut tells me to take the Rams.  The Saints haven't looked like the same team since around Week 12, when Drew Brees decided to fuck every fantasy owner out there he could find.  His mercy sparred nobody, not even allowing his owners to advance one playoff game.  He disappeared in the playoffs like his name was Jordan Clarkson (I really hate that guy if you can't tell).  The Rams have Sean McVay, and he's just so hot right now.  They have 2 running backs that can run, because for some reason Todd Gurley isn't enough.  

My gut in the AFC is telling me Chiefs.  Mahomes is too damn sexy.  Watching him unload a deep pass on the run is honestly better than porn.  Those sidearm passes he throws?  Like watching Sasha Grey when she took a group of 20... ahem.  Basically, they're sweet throws.  BUT WAIT.  Mahomes puts ketchup on his steak.  Here's the deal guys:  I'm not a steak afficionado .  I am not one of those "a good steak never needs sauce" people.  Eat it how you like it.  I can allow some A1.  Even hot sauce, because I can put Frank's Redhot on a chair and it would taste good.  But ketchup?  Ketchup.  Fucking ketchup?  Congratulations Pat Mahomes, you just screwed Kansas City out of a Super Bowl birth.  Hope it was worth it, asshole.  I'm going with the Pats.  

Here's the thing:  My instincts suck.  I feel like George Costanza when he finally abandons everything his instincts have ever taught him, does the opposite, and his life takes off.  Give me the Saints vs. the Chiefs.  Final pick.  Get your bets in.  

And yes, once and for all, the Patriots are the underdogs.  They have the lowest percentage chance of winning the Superbowl out of all 4 remaining teams.  For some reason, people get infuriated at the notion that they're using the underdog card as motivation.  Oh, they've won 5 rings?  Tom Brady was the 199th pick in the draft.  You think that doesn't chap your ass for your entire career?  Can you imagine thinking you're the best in the world at what you do, and watching 198 guys get picked in front of you?  I bet he STILL, yes even after MVPs and championships and the hottest wife on the planet, holds that chip firmly on his shoulder.  Why else would he be 41 and still playing, despite concussions and not needing the money and basically any other reason he could find to not continue to play?  

Guess what guys?  Baker Mayfield has that same chip.  NO FOR THE 3RD TIME I'M NOT COMPARING BRADY TO MAYFIELD.  Jesus, you make a good point on Twitter and people just take the highlights and use them against you.  Baker was a walk-on, won the starting job, got hurt, and got his scholarship snatched from him.  He had to walk-on AGAIN, well you guys know the story.  Point is, he will hold that chip on his shoulder for the rest of his life.  He could win 4 Superbowls and be pissed off because people said he couldn't do it.  It's what seperates the top .1% of athletes in the world.  And as a Browns fan, that's a beautiful thing baby.   

BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SCHOOOOOL

Week 1 of a 15 week semester started up Monday.  Basically, I'm getting my ass kicked.  I feel like Rocky the first time he fights Apollo Creed.  I'm not really trying to win the fight, I'm just trying to go the distance and still be standing at the end.  Through the first round, the school's big black chiseled physique has landed a few haymakers right to the face.  Thankfully, I didn't panic and only dropped one of my classes.  

The first week introductions are so tired.  I want so desperately to know be friends with somebody going into a class just to fuck with everybody.

Professor:  "Tell us something interesting about yourself."

Me:  "I was raised by a wild pack of kangaroos, it's why I tend to hop from place to place."

Without a friend in the class, saying that would just be plain weird.  Plus, I'm not really trying to make friends with a bunch of 20 year old girls that talk like they're Ariana Grande.  

We did the typical "favorite movie" spiel, and secretly, I'm sitting there completely judging everybody that has a movie I don't like.  "I'm Jasmine, my favorite movie is Baywatch."  *Subtly bangs head against wall*  TWO SEPERATE PEOPLE said their favorite movie was '50 First Dates.'  Your favorite movie?  '50 First Dates' is your favorite fucking movie?  If I was the professor I would kick them out on the spot.  This just can't be America's future. It's too important.  Trump is president guys, we need to get on our shit.  LEAVE POLITICS OUT OF THIS, dammit Nick.  My bad.  But hey, the wall and stuff, am I right?  That's totally a conversation you want to have with your co-workers as you just pass by, and if you're like me, you've had that conversation all month.  Hey did you guys know there's no government right now?  

Also, I would have a Big Mac every night if I could, leave poor Donnie alone!  Which leads me to my next point...

DIET 

So my girlfriend comes up to me and wants to start this thing called 'The Elimination Diet.'  Uh huh, sure honey, whatever you want, say where's the remote?  It's not being inconsiderate, it's called a mature relationship.  I don't have to listen to everything she says and she doesn't really want me to listen all the time, it's just a convenient reason for her to get mad at me later.  "You never listen to me, Nick."  In my defense, you're trying to tell me how some little Asian woman taught you how to best fold a shirt, so if you think that's some shit that's gonna catch my ear, you're with the wrong guy, baby.  No, you don't want me to be that guy, you just want to have the upper hand, and I'm happy to give it to you.  

Anyways, Elmination Diet.  Yeah, sure babe, whatever.  Well, here comes the day to actually start the diet.  Surprise!  Cauliflower soup for dinner with turkey bacon to garnish!  I swear I almost left her right on the spot, but it's like, super cold out.  There's a reason they're always trying to turn cauliflower into other shit - it's because cauliflower on its own tastes like a goddamn fart.  Like I just ate a block of cheese fart.  Mmmmmm, cheese... 

This diet is fucking strict.  You can't even have fucking ketchup!  Imagine beating yourself up at the end of the night, "Ahh I did so good all day, then I splurged on that ketchup and fucked it all up."  You can't have crackers.  Bread.  Any carbs.  

Pray for me. 

UPDATES:

My girlfriend got super pissed off at me today for not helping her shovel the driveway.  Here's the thing guys, I'm a reasonable man.  I believe in an old fashioned relationship, where the man takes home the big bucks and the woman tends to all the household things.  It's just how God intended the division of labor (read the Bible for Christ's sake, let's do right by Jesus).  Then again, she makes more than double the amount of money that I make, but I made fish tacos the other night, so we'll call it even.  

I wakeup 6 days a week early as fuck, we're talking before 9 AM most days.  Sunday is my day to just chill the F out, you know?  Kelsey and I have an agreement in place:  If you want me out of bed for some reason where I otherwise wouldn't have to be, then you need to bring me a freshly brewed cup of coffee, give me about 15 minutes to tell some little punk to fuck off on Twitter, and I'm ready for the day.  It's only fair.  This morning?  No coffee.  I mean it seems like a pretty straightforward case, I'm in the victory here.  I don't make the rules.  

Also, it's like I said yesterday.  She came inside after the shoveling was complete. ,mad as hell that I didn't help.  What she really should have been doing is thanking me for giving her something to hold over my head for the rest of our what is likely to be short term relationship.  I jumped on the grenade.  If there's one thing I know about women, it's that they love to hold a grudge.  It's basically they're favorite thing, right next to 'Friends' re-runs on Netflix.