The New Sidd Finch

JOSH GORDON

There was once a Sports Illustrated article on the called, "The Curious Case of Sidd Finch."  It was written in 1985, about a pitcher that threw 168 miles per hour, but did not want to pursue baseball, deciding instead to play golf. It was also an April Fool's Prank. In fact, it was such a great prank, that the writer of the article got calls from Major League Baseball general managers asking for more information about the made up character. If Sidd Finch instead played football, you could say that he is Josh Gordon. 

Josh Gordon is starting to feel like a myth at this point. He posts on Instagram so you know he's a real person. He kind of played in a few games last year, but didn't really actually finish most of the routes he started to run, so I can't really be sure. Plus the Browns sucked ass so nobody really gave a damn anyways. Ever hear of the 

I am not convinced Josh Gordon hasn't played his last game as a Cleveland Brown. I'm gonna be straight here and say some maybe unpopular things. Josh Gordon is not trustworthy. He has taken the easy way out in every avenue of life he has ever had. He has never shown any effort in training camp. Late in games, he will go through the motions with running routes, costing Brian Hoyer some interceptions after another return from a suspension a few suspensions back. He has had excuses. He "didn't know" he wasn't allowed to drink alcohol before failing a test for alcohol, costing himself another season. He has never come back from adversity. Maybe this latest getaway is truly him just trying to get his mind straight. I don't believe it. This is a guy that has never gone the extra mile to do anything, let alone take care of himself. Going to rehab the times he has gone was nothing but a publicity stunt to show that he was doing everything he could to get back in the NFL's good graces.  Forget the fact that he is constantly liking Instagram posts where users say he "would look much better on the Patriots," and things of that nature, this guy has never been a team guy and never been a guy that has shown he gives a damn about anything or anybody but himself. Don't expect that to change. We have not heard the last about what is going on, I assure you that. Don't be surprised if he isn't suiting up by Week 1. 

KEVIN LOVE

Just when you think you knew what the hell the Cavs were doing. This makes less than no sense. Let me break it down: You trade Kyrie Irving for a future draft pick, while you have the best player in the league and you expect to contend for a championship. Ok. So you're after a future. Got it. I don't agree, but ok. FLASH FORWARD 1 YEAR: LeBron leaves. Buh bye Finals streak. At least we have a young player to build around in Colin Sexton. Kevin Love is 29 and your most tradeable asset - and you... keep him to... contend?!? What??  Here's the situation, as some of you probably know - the Cavs lose their 1st round pick to the Atlanta Hawks next year if it falls outside the top 10. You have NO CHANCE!!!! of winning a championship, at the very least, within the next 3 years. Seems simple right? Suck to just keep your pick, right? Right?? Ugh. 

"But you can't get that much for Kevin Love." Let's just say that you're right, that right now his value is not near where it was when the Cavs traded Andrew Wiggins for him. Let's say you get the 20th pick in next year's draft. By trading your best player, you suck enough to get, say, the 7th pick in the draft. The 7th and the 20th pick, combined with Sexton and some other young players on the roster, is a solid foundation to build on. No, draft picks don't always pan out. But that is YOUR ONLY CHANCE. It is possible to find stars at the 9th, 10th, 20th pick even. It is not possible to build championship teams around good but not great power forwards commanding $30 million a year. Oh, and he is also injury prone. What would you rather have? In one corner, Kevin Love. At the other corner, the 7th and 20th pick (at minimum) in next year's draft. It seems fucking obvious to me, but I don't have tickets to sell. 

Luckily for the Cavs, their incompetence as an organization has worked for them in the past. Dan Gilbert has no idea to construct a roster sans LeBron James, so there is a possibility that even with Kevin Love, they are bad enough to still get a top 10 pick. 

NICK'S CORNER

"Thanks boss," a co-worker said to me after I very so graciously held the door open for him. What is his name, you ask?  No idea. We have never actually even spoken. So this menace to society just walks around, calling people he doesn't even know "boss."  First of all, I'm not tryin to be anybody's fucking boss.  I can barely hold my own shit together, let alone hold other people's shit. I'm not trying to hold anybody else's shit, you guys.  I especially don't want to be somebody's boss that just walks around anointing other people their work master. What kind of loyalty is that?  I wanted to dropkick that shitstick right then and there. I'm not done analyzing this traumatic situation, but while I'm on the subject of awful nicknames, I list the worst ones:

1. Guy - I would honestly rather get called fuckface. You call somebody Guy, you better be ready to show the hands.

2. Boss - I'm not your boss, I'm not anybody's fucking boss. Hell, I'm not even my cats boss. I have avoided authority my entire life, and to now group me in with those corporate suits that enforce rules is not only inaccurate, but it's goddamn insulting. 

3. Pimpin - this one's a throwback to when white kids liking rap music was popular back in middle school, but I'll stand by its place here nonetheless. There is nothing quite like somebody that gets sunburnt by spending 12 minutes in the sun calling another equally pale kid a pimp. 

4. Bro - this one is not that bad, given the context. Friends calling each other bros = legit. It's almost endearing. Guys you don't know calling you bro? I'm not your bro, bro.

5. Buddy - I recently had one of those 'How I Met Your Mother' revelations when my girlfriend told me I always call other people 'buddy.' I consider this a severe character flaw and I will address this with precision and vigilance.