Are we really gonna ignore that Machine Gun Kelly called Eminem's 16 year old daughter hot? Yeah, fuck that. I'm with Marshall on this one.
I haven't been this proud to be white since 'White Chocolate' was the star of the AND1 mix tour. Listen, being white is fucking easy... yes, we occasionally have to be over the top in our racism outrage, just so the other races don't hate us. But when it comes to hip-hop, dancing, basketball, being born with muscles that would make even Hercules marvel... we're mostly screwed, unless we can hit 3 pointers. Or we're the "crafty, with surprising quickness" 5'9 receiver that plays for the New England Patriots. But hey, I'm not complaining. I've gotten out of more speeding tickets than I care to count, I have it good.
Eminem, to us, has always been our knight in shining armor. He's the Randall Cunningham of the rap game. Battling race his entire life, coming up being a battle rapper that mirrors the plot of '8 Mile' (because, duh), he grew up in the pre-Jacob's Field Cleveland, AKA Detroit, and he fucking made it. The song 'Lose Yourself' gives me an automatic erection every time I hear it.
Machine Gun Kelly is from Cleveland. He's one of us. I'll always love him for the line "Nevermind that's just Kells with the Heat, no LeBron though" on his hit 'Wild Boy' after LeBron James left Cleveland for the Miami Heat. MGK riding on the float during the Cavs championship parade will forever be in my memory.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEE
Enough with the hype train, let's get down to fucking business. Who won the rap battle that shook the internet? Let's break it down!
THE CHALLENGER
Striking first with a dominant 1-2 combo, MGK held nothing back in the hardest caucasion battle since Robin Ventura charged the mound against Nolan Ryan. Yessir, he hit HARD. Calling out Eminem for that awkward beard, his sober lifestyle, the fact that he has all this outrage despite wide critical acclaim... he came out hungry. He even called Slim the "greatest rapper alive," taking a page out of B Rabbit's rap battle strategy in '8 Mile.' It wasn't just true, it was funny. Yes, Eminem dresses like he's an expecting mother, wardrobe filled with dozens of different sweatsuit combinations. "I'm not afrayyyed, Ok Oscar the Grouch, chill on the couch," I mean come on, that is some vintage Eminem quality stuff!
I will deduct points for the following reasons: For one, the music video. What the fuck? If you're not jacked or at least cut, don't be taking off your shirt in a music video. Unless your Rick Ross and it's hilarious (not laughing at fat guys, laughing with them). I will deduct another point for telling Em he "dropped an album just to diss him," like no, he didn't. One diss is not an entire track. Also, the line, "text me the addy I'm pullin up scrappin," like chill the fuck out bro, Mac Miller has a better chance of releasing a new album than you do of fighting Eminem 1 on 1. Too soon? Fine, then Tupac. Elvis Presley. Cher. I don't care.
THE BELT HOLDER
At first, I was a bit underwhelmed with Em's response. I had unrealistic expectations, like when I first saw 'The Dark Knight Rises.' Sometimes your own greatness works against you.
Then, I listened again... the rhymes are so FIRE. And unlike MGK, Eminem does not waste. One. Single. Rhyme. Everything he says is just a carefully crafted work of art. "My biggest flops are your biggest hits." "It's your moment, this is it, as big as you're gonna get so enjoy it. Had to give you a career to destroy it." Like, you knew he was gonna go there. Why wouldn't he? But hearing the words still sent chills up spine.
THE VERDICT:
As a diss, MGK's struck me harder. You can't go at the king and miss, and he sure as hell didn't.
As a song, Eminem's version is better and far more catchier. Vintage Slim Shady. Ultimately I will declare the winner Machine Gun Kelly because this fame was huge for his publicity. He is mainstream, but barely. This put him on the national map in a big way. Who won the rap contest? White people everywhere.
I haven't been this proud to be white since 'White Chocolate' was the star of the AND1 mix tour. Listen, being white is fucking easy... yes, we occasionally have to be over the top in our racism outrage, just so the other races don't hate us. But when it comes to hip-hop, dancing, basketball, being born with muscles that would make even Hercules marvel... we're mostly screwed, unless we can hit 3 pointers. Or we're the "crafty, with surprising quickness" 5'9 receiver that plays for the New England Patriots. But hey, I'm not complaining. I've gotten out of more speeding tickets than I care to count, I have it good.
Eminem, to us, has always been our knight in shining armor. He's the Randall Cunningham of the rap game. Battling race his entire life, coming up being a battle rapper that mirrors the plot of '8 Mile' (because, duh), he grew up in the pre-Jacob's Field Cleveland, AKA Detroit, and he fucking made it. The song 'Lose Yourself' gives me an automatic erection every time I hear it.
Machine Gun Kelly is from Cleveland. He's one of us. I'll always love him for the line "Nevermind that's just Kells with the Heat, no LeBron though" on his hit 'Wild Boy' after LeBron James left Cleveland for the Miami Heat. MGK riding on the float during the Cavs championship parade will forever be in my memory.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEE
Enough with the hype train, let's get down to fucking business. Who won the rap battle that shook the internet? Let's break it down!
THE CHALLENGER
Striking first with a dominant 1-2 combo, MGK held nothing back in the hardest caucasion battle since Robin Ventura charged the mound against Nolan Ryan. Yessir, he hit HARD. Calling out Eminem for that awkward beard, his sober lifestyle, the fact that he has all this outrage despite wide critical acclaim... he came out hungry. He even called Slim the "greatest rapper alive," taking a page out of B Rabbit's rap battle strategy in '8 Mile.' It wasn't just true, it was funny. Yes, Eminem dresses like he's an expecting mother, wardrobe filled with dozens of different sweatsuit combinations. "I'm not afrayyyed, Ok Oscar the Grouch, chill on the couch," I mean come on, that is some vintage Eminem quality stuff!
I will deduct points for the following reasons: For one, the music video. What the fuck? If you're not jacked or at least cut, don't be taking off your shirt in a music video. Unless your Rick Ross and it's hilarious (not laughing at fat guys, laughing with them). I will deduct another point for telling Em he "dropped an album just to diss him," like no, he didn't. One diss is not an entire track. Also, the line, "text me the addy I'm pullin up scrappin," like chill the fuck out bro, Mac Miller has a better chance of releasing a new album than you do of fighting Eminem 1 on 1. Too soon? Fine, then Tupac. Elvis Presley. Cher. I don't care.
THE BELT HOLDER
At first, I was a bit underwhelmed with Em's response. I had unrealistic expectations, like when I first saw 'The Dark Knight Rises.' Sometimes your own greatness works against you.
Then, I listened again... the rhymes are so FIRE. And unlike MGK, Eminem does not waste. One. Single. Rhyme. Everything he says is just a carefully crafted work of art. "My biggest flops are your biggest hits." "It's your moment, this is it, as big as you're gonna get so enjoy it. Had to give you a career to destroy it." Like, you knew he was gonna go there. Why wouldn't he? But hearing the words still sent chills up spine.
THE VERDICT:
As a diss, MGK's struck me harder. You can't go at the king and miss, and he sure as hell didn't.
As a song, Eminem's version is better and far more catchier. Vintage Slim Shady. Ultimately I will declare the winner Machine Gun Kelly because this fame was huge for his publicity. He is mainstream, but barely. This put him on the national map in a big way. Who won the rap contest? White people everywhere.
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