"Dude, her friend told me that she'd be open to you asking her out." That's how conversations used to happen in high school, back in the days of 2008. Otherwise known as a decade ago. I have no idea how kids in high school ask each other out these days. I imagine they just send each other emojis until one of them sends back a '100' emoji and then it's on. As always, I will find a way to turn this into a sports analogy, but first a look back.
I take you back to 2008. I had a flip phone with limited texting while everyone had those cool slick black phones that magically slid up and unveiled an actual keyboard. Not only were these practical, but they were sturdy, as I once witnessed a friend of mine throw his through a wall in a fit of rage. I also drove an old blue minivan, and did so without shame. Hard to imagine that in the winter, I found myself without a prom date for the coming spring. Which, honestly, I couldn't have cared less about. I hated school dances and had never once had a date to one. The year before, my friend Adam tried to get me to go to Homecoming. I think it was Homecoming? I told him, nah, can't find a date bro. He turns to the girl sitting next to him in our Spanish 2 class and shamelessly asks, "Hey, you got a date to the dance?" She bashfully says no. "Hey, you wanna go with Nick?" "Sure," she replies, as if she's answering a question that she doesn't know the answer to. The girl, and yes I still remember who it was, and I never spoke again.
But of course, this is prom, and if you don't have a date to prom you're a bigger loser than... well, a guy that drives a minivan and uses a flip phone, I guess. Back then, everything was heresay. (Fake names) "I hear Jimbo is planning to ask Stefania to the prom next week." Fuck! I was gonna ask Stefania! "Mike is going to Pauline's party to ask her next weekend." Dammit! That was my backup. I had scenarios laid out. My options A, B, C, plus my last ditch plan and my longshot. Plans A, B, and C had all found dates in the same week and I was fucked. But then, something happened. I heard through a mutual friend of a friend that my long shot would be open to me asking.
The rumors were true and she was. I was her last ditch, as I'm sure she was somebody else's last ditch that she would've rather went with. No matter, these things are all about looks and the look of it was too good to be passed up. In this case, as far fetched as the rumors appeared, they were true. The rumors were not out there just by chance. Sound the alarm, my sports analogy is coming! The LeBron to the Lakers rumors are not out there by chance. He is gone, folks. It hit me forreal yesterday, when Adrian Wojnarowski reported that LeBron wouldn't want to be the "first superstar to commit to the Lakers." Typically, I would use these types of rumors to wipe my ass with as having been through the LeBron free agency saga 3 times now, you hear fucking everything. But this is Woj. If you're not familiar with this reporter, picture him as my mutual friend telling me that a girl is interested in me asking. He is the mouthpiece, and he has a reliable source. He doesn't wanna fuck me over, I'm his friend and I'll be seriously ticked if he leads me into a trap. He needs to make sure the information is concrete before coming to me. Woj has a reputation in the NBA reporting business like Zoey Barnes had in 'House of Cards.' Until she got pushed into a train by Kevin Spacey. Spoiler alert. And BY THE WAY there is no House of Cards without Kevin Spacey. Does he fondle underage men? I mean just look at him, of course he does. But goddamn can the man act.
Going back to the less controversial topic, the LeBron to LA rumors, new reports are Stephen A Smith receiving a phone call "after hours" last night that LeBron reached out to Kevin Durant to try inticing him to go to the Lakers with him. Who do you think called Smith? Durant, the cupcake eating snake, forever trying to justify joining a 73 win team and definitely not riding the dick of a crowned champion, leaked the information to try and reshape his public image. Read between the lines. Nobody is more connected with NBA superstars than Stephen A Smith. He was the first to report James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh would team up with the Miami Heat in the summer of 2010 and everybody laughed at him. Guys, where there's smoke, there's a fire (on the lake, as haters of the city of Cleveland love to bring up).
Obviously, we're all trying to get our hopes up that James comes back. But when you're resorted to hearing things through the rumor mill from people that are connected, you're already screwed. I have a very bad feeling that this will not end well for us, just as my prom experience did not end well for me. But that's a story for another day.
I take you back to 2008. I had a flip phone with limited texting while everyone had those cool slick black phones that magically slid up and unveiled an actual keyboard. Not only were these practical, but they were sturdy, as I once witnessed a friend of mine throw his through a wall in a fit of rage. I also drove an old blue minivan, and did so without shame. Hard to imagine that in the winter, I found myself without a prom date for the coming spring. Which, honestly, I couldn't have cared less about. I hated school dances and had never once had a date to one. The year before, my friend Adam tried to get me to go to Homecoming. I think it was Homecoming? I told him, nah, can't find a date bro. He turns to the girl sitting next to him in our Spanish 2 class and shamelessly asks, "Hey, you got a date to the dance?" She bashfully says no. "Hey, you wanna go with Nick?" "Sure," she replies, as if she's answering a question that she doesn't know the answer to. The girl, and yes I still remember who it was, and I never spoke again.
But of course, this is prom, and if you don't have a date to prom you're a bigger loser than... well, a guy that drives a minivan and uses a flip phone, I guess. Back then, everything was heresay. (Fake names) "I hear Jimbo is planning to ask Stefania to the prom next week." Fuck! I was gonna ask Stefania! "Mike is going to Pauline's party to ask her next weekend." Dammit! That was my backup. I had scenarios laid out. My options A, B, C, plus my last ditch plan and my longshot. Plans A, B, and C had all found dates in the same week and I was fucked. But then, something happened. I heard through a mutual friend of a friend that my long shot would be open to me asking.
The rumors were true and she was. I was her last ditch, as I'm sure she was somebody else's last ditch that she would've rather went with. No matter, these things are all about looks and the look of it was too good to be passed up. In this case, as far fetched as the rumors appeared, they were true. The rumors were not out there just by chance. Sound the alarm, my sports analogy is coming! The LeBron to the Lakers rumors are not out there by chance. He is gone, folks. It hit me forreal yesterday, when Adrian Wojnarowski reported that LeBron wouldn't want to be the "first superstar to commit to the Lakers." Typically, I would use these types of rumors to wipe my ass with as having been through the LeBron free agency saga 3 times now, you hear fucking everything. But this is Woj. If you're not familiar with this reporter, picture him as my mutual friend telling me that a girl is interested in me asking. He is the mouthpiece, and he has a reliable source. He doesn't wanna fuck me over, I'm his friend and I'll be seriously ticked if he leads me into a trap. He needs to make sure the information is concrete before coming to me. Woj has a reputation in the NBA reporting business like Zoey Barnes had in 'House of Cards.' Until she got pushed into a train by Kevin Spacey. Spoiler alert. And BY THE WAY there is no House of Cards without Kevin Spacey. Does he fondle underage men? I mean just look at him, of course he does. But goddamn can the man act.
Going back to the less controversial topic, the LeBron to LA rumors, new reports are Stephen A Smith receiving a phone call "after hours" last night that LeBron reached out to Kevin Durant to try inticing him to go to the Lakers with him. Who do you think called Smith? Durant, the cupcake eating snake, forever trying to justify joining a 73 win team and definitely not riding the dick of a crowned champion, leaked the information to try and reshape his public image. Read between the lines. Nobody is more connected with NBA superstars than Stephen A Smith. He was the first to report James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh would team up with the Miami Heat in the summer of 2010 and everybody laughed at him. Guys, where there's smoke, there's a fire (on the lake, as haters of the city of Cleveland love to bring up).
Obviously, we're all trying to get our hopes up that James comes back. But when you're resorted to hearing things through the rumor mill from people that are connected, you're already screwed. I have a very bad feeling that this will not end well for us, just as my prom experience did not end well for me. But that's a story for another day.
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